Building a Soul

“You told me once that a soul isn’t something a person is born with but something that must be built, by effort and error, study and love. And you did that with more dedication than most, that work of building a soul-not for your own benefit but for the benefit of those that knew you.” -Art of Fielding (via BMac)

[PERMA]nently HAPPY

Humans seem happiest when they have

1. Pleasure (tasty foods, warm baths, etc.),
2. Engagement (or flow, the absorption of an enjoyed yet challenging activity),
3. Relationships (social ties have turned out to be extremely reliable indicator of happiness),
4. Meaning (a perceived quest or belonging to something bigger), and
5. Accomplishments (having realized tangible goals).

(-wiki)

Destination

When will I have “arrived”? I’m on the road of life, my destination taking longer to arrive. Impatiently asking repeatedly, “Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” In road of life, enjoy the journey. But also doesn’t matter how fast you’re going if you’re going the wrong direction.

Alice in Wonderland

Due to my over-analytical nature, I feel I have a poor grasp on reality. In all actuality, anything is possible. Therefore no facts are ever true facts. Who knows what reality really is. In respect, my outlook on life has a sense of wonderment and twist of unconventional magic to it. People tell me they wish they could see the world through my eyes. Just as people also have a cultic fascination with Alice in Wonderland, so too do they have the desire to escape the real world – to escape their stale repetition of a humdrum life, so they get high off shrooms to fall deep down into the rabbit hole. At first, just like Alice, the new world was fascinating, instilling a sense of awe and wonder. But after a while, the novelty wears off. And just like how Alice wanted to get out and back into the real world – most people don’t want to be on a permanent drug trip either. After a while, with no anchor point, just floating around with no end in sight, void of laws of gravity, perspective, or any laws for that matter.. they just want to get back to reality with a logical chronological order governing everything. And so in my own life, with my lack of reality – sure it seems wonderful from the outside. But with time it becomes more of a nightmare, a bad trip so desperately wanting an end. Contradictorily to the much envied freedom of floating around… being grounded, I assure you, is much more enjoyable. Never have I liked movies that felt like a bad dream, such as Alice in Wonderland – so definitely I don’t like life feeling that way either. Just like Inception, need a totem to remind me of what is real or what is not. Need an anchor point. Need a source of consistency to assure me – not everything around me is a whirl of chaos.

en”courage”ment

P: When you get discouraged what do you do to motivate yourself? ..Is encouragement and motivation the same thing? I don’t really need someone to pick me up (which is what I feel encouragement is), but more a way to find the drive to keep going. Drive is important because at this point I’m just pushing myself to keep going since there is no way back, or no different path forward without major setbacks. It’s like being “all in” and I just have to keep going, but it would be nice to find some source of inspiration, to fuel me through the path.

A: Motivation, like a carrot at the end of the stick, or greyhound rabbit! Or I guess a goal at the end of the field for soccer players. Oh – so it feels like two steps forward, one step backward. True, I’m sort of needing the same – some motivation, inspiration. As if I have to imagine the end goal, like REALLY imagine it, and taste it, really feel it. Premeditation is supposed to work wonders, also the power of positive thinking. I know these things in theory.

P: You might be like me, you like to know what you’re working towards. Right now I know where I will kinda end up, but not really. I seem to only put in as much effort as I need to get where I want to go and nothing more. Sigh, I just need a clear line of sight so I can smell and taste the finish line. Figuratively, of course.

A: ..Maybe I am just like you, in how I don’t like putting more effort than necessary – especially for a cause I have trouble visualizing. Why put effort casting so many lines with poor bait? But I guess I did get a brush up with getting closer, I sniffed the possibility of getting such targeted goal. So just gotta keep rationalizing that in my head, and put my actions in faith. Since having faith is to act on it. Faith is trusting in what cannot be seen. Like Indiana Jones, taking that first step onto nothing but there was actually a step there. Then as they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Reminds me of back in the day too, when I had faith in a higher power and bigger purpose. It forced me to act in faith, also implement the good traits taught, particularly self-discipline or long-suffering. And I would know I couldn’t expect my prayers to be answered if I didn’t at least meet halfway and implement self-discipline. Motivation can also be from positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement. Like reward-based or repercussion-based. But it all worked out when the pressure was on.

Yeah.. The path of life seems a little haphazzard, almost like waiting for the roulette ball to stop bouncing around and pick a place to settle!  Smell the finish line. See the finish line. BE THE FINISH LINE. “Perception is reality” as they say. So adjust our perception, & our reality will change too. Or maybe we are supposed to enjoy the ride too? Enjoy the process?

P: Maybe I’m setting myself up to be limited because I feel I won’t make it to my goals so I won’t be disappointed if I don’t. Maybe the skies the limit for me and I’ll never experience space.  I don’t know, I just don’t know how to push myself to go further. Maybe I don’t want it that badly and am just getting burnt out, but then again I’ve never really been the type to go after what I want or try really hard for something I want. I like things to be simple and my life to be un-complicated.

BAIT, HUNT, KILL!

Heung-Ki: cuz it’s like this: hunting for jobs is like hunting for animals

 to catch a rabbit, you need a carrot, right?

  for a bear you need honey. maybe a nice salmon

  so what animal/ job are you hunting for?

you gotta put out different bait/ lines on ur resume

Angela:  okay leme send you my two versions… and an example job posting

  of what i would ideally like to be able to BAIT , hunt, and KILL

Heung-Ki: bait = resume,

hunt = calling, emailing, dispersing resume and networking

killing = interviewing & persuading the interviewer you’re the person for the job

Angela: LOL that’s a pretty damn good metaphor

mixx

Life is a stage

Life is but a stage. Shakespeare said it right. Everything is pre-rehearsed, pre-meditated, memorizing pre-planned scripts. Only some can naturally ad-lib, are naturals, can be the appropriate character to the coordinating scene. But most only can be natural in a few scenes, such as scenario of family or friends. But for the scene of career-life, gotta memorize interview answers, gotta get into character of the bright cheerful enthused employee. But like a friend reiterates, gotta fake it til ya make it. Altho seemingly fraudulent and insincere, there might be honest truth in the philosophy. Because repeated actions will turn to habit, then habit will turn into character. And whatever character we desire to play – gotta work hard memorizing lines, studying the scripts, really get into character until it becomes natural. It’s true. Like everyone says. Gotta put youself out there. It might be scary, heck even terrifying. To put yourself out there is to put yourself in plain view to be observed and criticized. But audience and critics be damned. Bc if life is a stage, and you never have the guts to put yourself on the stage – then you are not living.

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts..
-Shakespear

Take these placebo’s every hour on the hour, then call me in the morning.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” -heb11|1

“In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” -jms2|17

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” mat5|5

“I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” -phl14|12/13

“May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; may the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion. … May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. … May the Lord grant all your requests.” -ps20|1-5

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -jer20|11

“To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame…” -ps25|1-3

Happiness

Angela: what do you think you need in life to be happy? you, personally
Heung-Ki: a good look at true misery hehe
Angela: hm. interesting point.
Angela: so i should take a good look at some misery
Heung-Ki: haha, maybe it’ll even find you
Heung-Ki: but i found happiness to be relative and a choice

Angela: maybe grass is always greener on the other side
Angela: what do you think?
Allan: of course. the grass is always greener. but you should water your grass sometimes.
Angela: lol. i know right?

how good needs evil

Me: question: is evil then necessary for good? 11:50 PM
Me: going along with ur standpoint of bad necessary for good. 11:52 PM
Bmac: honestly: yes 11:53 PM
Me: dammit… i was going to use starwars reference but that’s a different story 11:55 PM
Me: was going to say- luke doesn’t need darth vader to exist! 11:55 PM
Me: except…. yeah…. stupid plot twist 11:56 PM

BT – The Emergency

Your ‘I love you’ | Your ‘I love you’ ..| I can feel it bleeding
I wanted things to get better | I wanted love to get better|
I’d wait in line for something I knew I’d get to keep

Beneficiaries of Chance

“When my husband died, because he was so famous & known for not being a believer, many people would come up to me — it still sometimes happens — & ask me if Carl changed at the end & converted to a belief in an afterlife. They also frequently ask me if I think I will see him again. Carl faced his death with unflagging courage & never sought refuge in illusions. The tragedy was that we knew we would never see each other again. I don’t ever expect to be reunited with Carl. But, the great thing is that when we were together, for nearly twenty years, we lived with a vivid appreciation of how brief & precious life is. We never trivialized the meaning of death by pretending it was anything other than a final parting. Every single moment that we were alive & we were together was miraculous — not miraculous in the sense of inexplicable or supernatural. We knew we were beneficiaries of chance… That pure chance could be so generous & so kind… That we could find each other, as Carl wrote so beautifully in Cosmos, you know, in the vastness of space & the immensity of time… That we could be together for twenty years. That is something which sustains me & it’s much more meaningful…

The way he treated me & the way I treated him, the way we took care of each other & our family, while he lived. That is so much more important than the idea I will see him someday. I don’t think I’ll ever see Carl again. But I saw him. We saw each other. We found each other in the cosmos, and that was wonderful.“

- Ann Druyan, talking about her husband, Carl Sagan {via:Bmac}